A Therapist’s Guide to Holiday Chaos (Because We’ve All Been There)

The holidays are marketed as “the most wonderful time of the year.” Cue the twinkly lights, matching pajamas, and perfectly decorated cookies.

But in real life, often it looks more like emotional landmines, family politics, travel delays, budget stress, sensory overload, and at least one person crying in the bathroom. Sometimes it’s the toddler. Sometimes it’s you. No judgment.

If the idea of “holiday cheer” makes you want to hide under a weighted blanket until January 2nd, you are not alone. A 2023 survey from the American Psychological Association found that 38 percent of adults reported increased stress during the holidays, often due to finances, family conflict, and lack of time.

You cannot control everything, but you can approach this season with more calm, connection, and intention. Here are some therapist-approved strategies, with a mix of practicality, humor, and research, to help you get through it.

1. Ditch the “Perfect Holiday” Myth

Somewhere between Pinterest boards and Hallmark movies, many of us started believing that holidays should look like a curated snow globe. Perfect decor, cheerful family moments, and zero conflict. Meanwhile, reality often looks like a half-decorated tree, burnt rolls, and someone bringing up politics at the dinner table.

Perfection is a trap. Research from Brené Brown and others shows that perfectionism is linked to anxiety and burnout, which is exactly what we do not need right now.

Instead of chasing “perfect,” focus on meaningful. Ask yourself, “What actually matters to me this holiday season?” Maybe it is one cozy night in pajamas with your kids. Maybe it is attending one meaningful event and skipping the rest. Decide what is actually important to you and let everything else be optional. Make a short list of your non-negotiables. Protect those. The rest can go.

Therapist Tip: Write down your top three priorities for the season on a sticky note or in your phone. When stress or guilt creeps in, revisit the list and remind yourself what really matters.

2. Schedule Buffer Days

If you have ever returned from a holiday trip and said, “I need a vacation from my vacation,” this one is for you.

Your nervous system needs recovery time. When you stack events, travel, and hosting back-to-back, you push yourself into survival mode. Cue irritability, exhaustion, and the feeling that one more request might send you over the edge. Block out buffer time before and after big gatherings. No plans. No errands. Just rest, grounding, or doing nothing in comfortable clothes. Think of it as emotional margin. Without it, even fun things start to feel overwhelming.

Chronic stress without recovery is linked to increased cortisol and emotional dysregulation. Rest is not lazy. It is smart.

Therapist Tip: Schedule buffer time in your calendar just like you would any other appointment. Treat it as non-negotiable time for your nervous system to reset.

3. Boundaries Are Your Holiday Superpower

Most holiday stress does not come from presents. It comes from people. Unspoken expectations, political debates, guilt trips, or “just one more thing.”

This year, try setting boundaries early and clearly. Not with apologies. Not with disclaimers. Just kind, direct communication. Examples:

• “We’re so excited to see everyone. We’ll need to head out by 8:00pm so the kids can get some rest.”

• “I’m happy to talk about lots of things, but politics isn’t on the menu this year.”

• “We’re keeping things low-key this season, so we won’t be at every event.”
  

You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to leave early. You are allowed to protect your mental health, even if Aunt Linda gets mildly offended for five minutes. Research shows that assertive communication is linked to lower stress and higher self-esteem. Boundaries are not rude. They are healthy.

Therapist Tip: Practice one boundary out loud before you use it. It can feel awkward at first, but rehearsing the words makes it easier to say them calmly and confidently in the moment.

4. Make Space for Grief, Nostalgia, and Complicated Feelings

Not everyone approaches the holidays with joy. For some, this season brings reminders of loss, strained relationships, or traditions that have changed. It is okay if joy and sadness coexist.

Light a candle for someone you miss. Create a new ritual that honors where you are now. Talk with someone you trust. Naming your feelings actually helps calm them. A 2007 study by Lieberman and colleagues found that labeling emotions reduces activity in the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system. In other words, saying “I’m feeling sad” can help take the intensity down a notch.

Therapist Tip: Try setting aside a few quiet minutes once or twice this season to check in with yourself. Ask, “What’s coming up for me emotionally right now?” Naming what you feel is a simple but powerful way to bring compassion to yourself.

5. Keep Your Body in the Game

When life gets busy, self-care routines are usually the first to disappear. But your body is your biggest ally during stressful seasons.

Try to keep the basics in place. Eat real food between the cookies to keep your blood sugar and mood stable. Move your body, even for ten minutes, to lower stress hormones. Breathe intentionally. Box breathing (inhale four, hold four, exhale four, hold four) can shift your nervous system out of fight-or-flight. Think of this less as self-care and more as basic human maintenance.

Therapist Tip: Pick one small habit to keep consistent during the holidays. This could be a daily walk, a quiet morning coffee, or a bedtime routine. Consistency in even one area helps your nervous system feel anchored.

If We Were in Session, I’d Leave You With This

The holidays do not have to be perfect to be meaningful. You do not need a cinematic soundtrack or flawless family moments to make them special. By setting boundaries, honoring your energy, making room for real feelings, and taking care of your body, you can create a season that feels calmer, more authentic, and maybe even a little joyful. And if all else fails, there is always pie.