Taking Off More Than Clothes: Let’s Talk Shame

Let’s be real—sexual shame is sneaky.

It shows up quietly: in your hesitation to speak up, your discomfort with pleasure, or the guilt that lingers after something that was supposed to feel good.

Spoiler: You weren’t born feeling bad about sex. That shame was handed to you—by family rules, religious beliefs, media messages, partners who didn’t get it, or cultural expectations wrapped in purity and control.

But here’s the good news: just because you were taught it doesn’t mean you have to keep it. And yeah, it can take work. Some really hard f*cking work. But you can work to drop the shame and take back or build your relationship with your body and pleasure.

So, What Is Sexual Shame?

Sexual shame is that inner voice that whispers (or screams) that your desires, your body, or your behaviors are “wrong,” “gross,” or “too much”.  It’s lies may also tell you that you’re “unacceptable”, “inappropriate” or “unlovable” (to name just a few).

Researcher Brené Brown describes shame as the belief that we are unworthy of love and connection. When that gets tangled with your sexuality, it becomes a toxic cocktail of silence, secrecy, and self-judgment.

It might sound like:

• “I shouldn’t like that.”

• “If I say what I want, they’ll leave.”

• “My body is disgusting.”

• “I’m not normal for feeling this way.”

• “I can’t be sexual and still be respected.”

  
  

It often shows up as:

• Avoidance of sex or intimacy

• Guilt after orgasm

• Freezing or dissociating during touch

• Fear of rejection if you express your needs

• Anxiety or disgust toward your own fantasies

• Feeling like your desires are “bad” or “too much”

• Constant people-pleasing in bed or relationship

  
  

According to a 2018 study in The Journal of Sex Research, sexual shame is associated with lower sexual satisfaction, higher levels of depression and anxiety, and difficulty forming healthy intimate relationships. So no, it’s not “just in your head.” It’s in your nervous system, your belief system, and your body—and it deserves attention.

Shame Thrives in Silence—So Let’s Talk

Shame loves isolation. It feeds on the stories we don’t tell.

That’s why the most powerful way to begin healing sexual shame is to name it. Saying it out loud loosens its grip. When you speak your shame in a safe space and hear someone say, “Me too,” or “That makes so much sense”, that weight begins to lift.

Therapy is one of those spaces. So are sex-positive books, communities, podcasts, and relationships where vulnerability is welcome and respected.

And if your shame is trauma-based? EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and other body-based therapies can help unstick the shame your body’s been carrying, even if your brain has tried to move on.

What Actually Helps? (Like, According to Science and Humans)

Here’s what works when shame tries to call the shots:

• Education. Learn how your body works. Understanding anatomy, desire, and arousal reduces fear and confusion. Curious where to begin? Books like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber are excellent starts.

• Name it. Try this: “I notice I feel shame when I want ___.” No fixing—just noticing and sitting in the feelings that come up.

• Normalize it. You’re not the only one with a “dirty mind.” You’re just one of the brave ones who’s willing to talk about it.

• Somatic work. Shame lives in the body. Finding a therapist who is trauma informed and even trained in EMDR can be beneficial.  Engaging in practices such as yoga, breathwork, and mindfulness can help release shame, as well.

• Self-compassion. According to Dr. Kristin Neff’s research, self-compassion reduces shame, increases emotional resilience, and helps you feel more connected in relationships (and yes, more satisfied in bed).

If We Were Wrapping Up a Session, I’d Leave You With This…

Look, if you feel weird, gross or guilty after sex – or like you’re doing it “wrong” – you’re not broken.  You’re human.  And honestly? You’ve probably been handed a bunch of shame that was never yours to carry.

As a sex therapist, I see this ALL. THE. TIME.  People think they’re messed up for having (or not having!) fantasies, for wanting sex, for wanting too much sex, or for freezing when things get intimate.  That’s not dysfunction, that’s shame doing what shame does best: making you feel like you’re the problem. 

Here’s the truth: Shame is loud, but it’s a liar. You don’t need to fix yourself. You need space to explore without judgement, permission to feel without guilt, and support that doesn’t flinch when sh*t gets real. 

Shame will tell you that you’re too much, but healing will remind you that you’re exactly enough.

Final Reminder

As a therapist, I’ve sat with so many people who’ve carried shame around their bodies, their desires, and their silence for way too long.

Let me say this clearly:

You don’t have to earn the right to feel good.

Your pleasure isn’t selfish. Your boundaries aren’t too much. Your needs aren’t a burden.

You’re allowed to want more—not because something’s missing, but because you’re human and healing.

This work takes courage, but you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to be willing to show up—with curiosity, honesty, and maybe a little sass.

And if no one’s ever told you this before:

You’re not too broken, too complicated, or too late. You’re right on time.