Spoiler Alert: Most People Aren't Having Wild Sex Every Night

“Is this normal?”

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that in therapy, I’d have a vacation house on the beach and a full-time private chef. Let’s cut through the bullshit right now: just because your sex life doesn’t look like a scene from a rom-com (or a certain subscription-based site…), doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship.

Sexual desire ebbs and flows—sometimes daily. Desire can be affected by stress, trauma, hormones, parenting, sleep (or lack of), your relationship dynamics, and your nervous system’s ability to feel safe enough for intimacy (to only name a few!). That’s not dysfunction, it’s called being human.

 What’s Actually “Normal” Anyway?

Let’s break down some common myths that cause people a ton of anxiety:

Myth 1: You should want to have sex, all the time, at any time.

As Morgan Wallen would say: LIES, LIES, LIES. The idea of wanting sex at any time is referring to spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is when desire just shows up, out of nowhere. Think: the body leads the way; the brain catches up later. Spontaneous desire is what we see in the movies: you glance across the room and lock eyes with a stranger, and suddenly you’re ready to rip each other’s clothes off. And sure, that can occur in your relationship, but it’s not the only kind of desire, or even the most common, especially in long-term relationships. This desire can be hot and sexy, but for those that don’t experience it can leave you feeling broken, ashamed, or like you’re letting your partner(s) down.

What the spotlight should really be on is what we call responsive desire. Coined by researcher Rosemary Basson, this model of desire recognizes that arousal often presents after sexual stimuli—like touch, closeness, or erotic cues. For many people (especially women, but not exclusively), desire doesn’t strike like lightning; it builds through connection and safety. In fact, studies show that expecting spontaneous desire all the time is one of the biggest sources of sexual frustration in relationships. When I surveyed people to explain what their experience with responsive desire was like, this is what they had to say:

“I wasn’t in the mood…until we started to kiss…then I wanted more.”

“My partner unloaded the dishwasher without me asking, and I’m not gonna lie, it was hot.”

“He rubbed my back while I vented about my day…and it just escalated from there”.

So, what kind of desire do you experience? There’s no “right” way to feel turned on. Some people experience desire like a spark that comes out of nowhere. Others need emotional connection or physical touch to help that desire build. Many of us fall somewhere in between, experiencing both types of desire throughout our lifetime. The key?  Get curious about how your desire shows up and TALK ABOUT IT with your partner(s). Naming it out loud and discussing what turns YOU on can help take the pressure off and makes room for better connection (and sex!)

Myth 2: More sex ≠ better relationship

A 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that couples who had sex once per week reported just as much relationship satisfaction as those who did it more often. So, if you’re not constantly in the mood, that’s not a red flag, it’s real life.

• Oxytocin, not orgasms, build connection. While sex does release bonding hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, it is the power of quality connection – not quantity of sex – that fuels relationship satisfaction. A 2002 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that emotional closeness and affectionate behavior (like cuddling, talking, and touching) can trigger the same hormonal benefits as sex itself. So yes – snuggling counts!

  
  

Myth 3: If there’s no sex, the relationship is doomed

Sex is an important part for many relationships, but it certainly doesn't have to be, nor is it the only indicator of a healthy connection. There are seasons in every partnership where sex might slow down or take a backseat (new baby, experiencing grief, trauma or burnout, shiftwork, hormones…and so much more.)  What actually predicts long-term satisfaction isn’t how often you’re having sex, but whether you can talk about it openly, stay emotionally connected, and support each other through those ebbs and flows.

In fact, a relationship can survive (and even thrive) during sexual dry spells if there’s emotional safety, affection, and mutual respect. What tends to erode connection isn’t the lack of sex, it’s the lack of communication about the lack of sex.

What to Do if Things Feel “Off”?

You don’t need to force intimacy or fake desire to keep your relationship alive. Let’s approach this with curiosity instead of criticism:

• Zoom out and look at the bigger picture. Ask yourself: What’s going on in my life that might be influencing how I feel sexually?

  • Are you exhausted? Resentful? Disconnected? Have you been touched out or running on adrenaline?

• Communicate—awkward talks are still better than silence.

  • We’re not taught how to talk about sex, so yeah, it might feel clunky at first. But intimacy suffers in silence. Share your experience without blame. Start with, “Lately, I’ve noticed…” or “I want us to feel close again, and I’m not sure how to get there.”

• Focus on emotional connection, not performance.

  • Try cuddling, touching, flirting, or even laughing together in bed with no pressure for sex. When connection is the goal, not orgasm or performance, things tend to soften (in a good way).

• Get rid of the scoreboard.

  • No one wins in a relationship where sex becomes a measure of success or failure. The goal is mutual connection, not checking off boxes.

If We Were Wrapping Up a Session, I’d Leave You With This…

Let’s be honest: desire is complex. It’s tied to your nervous system, your stress levels, your relationship dynamics, your hormones, your history, your trauma, and sometimes just whether or not your partner loaded the damn dishwasher or folded the laundry.

Low desire doesn’t mean you’re cold, disconnected, or doing something wrong.  It usually means your body, mind, or relationship needs a little care and attention. It might be telling you, “Hey, I need rest,” or “I don’t feel emotionally safe,” or “I’m so touched out from the kids that I’ve got nothing left.”

And this is where therapy can help. Therapy is not meant to “fix” you, but to help you understand what’s going on beneath the surface.  Let’s get curious together and untangle all the bullshit of what’s yours, what’s cultural (learned), what’s trauma, and what just needs a little compassion and understanding.  Then we rebuild desire on your terms, not someone else’s checklist.

Reminder: You don’t need to have a “perfect” sex life to have a meaningful, connected one. Desire can change—and so can your relationship with it. Sometimes, it just takes a safe space to talk about it—and maybe a therapist who isn’t afraid to say, “yeah, this sh*t is hard… let’s figure it out.”